another weekend, another trip

Times they are a-busy.... heading out of town this weekend for Ken and Amanda's wedding. Will be most excellent to see them both again. Then it'll be back to the grind again, so things will continue to be busy. Will update when I can..... later

envisioning the christian walk

Such a vast and nebulous topic... what to say, what to say. Basically, along the lines of a few things I have been thinking and reading over the past week or so, I've been coming to grips a bit more of what it is that I truly feel it should look like to live, act, and think like a Christian - the way Jesus showcased for us. Between musing about the heaven/hell concept, pondering about living in community, and wondering about feeling God's love, I think I am starting to get the bigger picture that Jesus was smacking the apostles over the head with.

Jesus didn't have any formulas, nor did he have any 3 or 7 step plans for salvation. Jesus never really talked about being there to get people to Heaven or saving people from the fiery depths. Any rhetoric that implied those kinds of images were really ways for him to try and explain what it is like to be fully in the embrace of God's love, or to turn your back on it. Think about it, have you ever tried to explain to someone what being in love is like? The feelings, the mindset, the emotions, the physical implications and reactions, how do you explain it? Now step back a level, how do you explain love of a community? Not why you love a community or what you do to love a community, but what does it feel like to love a community or to be loved by a community? We have a hard time explaining any of this, and often times we have a hard time loving in general. But God, there is a different story, His entire being is love. He loves the universe, the galaxy, the solar system, the earth, the seas/mountains/plants/animals, and most of all He loves us. The problem is we like to try to justify and validate our existence ourselves and through our peers, which results in a rather limited, finite, fragile love. When we truly turn to God and show Him that we recognize that He is the light, the ultimate source of love, and that we love Him, then we get true validation and a constant source of love and grace to which we can turn when times are rough. This is infinitely better than what Donald Miller refers to as the lifeboat mentality we have constructed for ourselves. In order for us to be important, we exercise a self-preservation mode of operation. We constantly assess ourselves against other people, those we deem "less valuable" we shun and belittle, and we look to those we deem "more valuable" for validation of our worthiness.

Thinking this way, I find it rather enlightening and ironic that Jesus walked on water. It's almost as if he was saying, "Hey guys, you don't need the boat, it doesn't work. You are all valuable and worthy if you would just turn to God,and love, trust, and obey Him. It's safe out here, I made it that way so just come on out of the boat. See I even took the initiative to jump out first, me the one you are giving your lives over to follow and learn from."

I think when I started I had a completely different direction I was going with all this... funny how the mind wanders. Regardless, I think I made a point in there somewhere.... perhaps something along these lines. We need to stop measuring ourselves and others against this human standard we have constructed that places value on trivial attributes. When we can learn to do that, and truly love God, trust Him and stop to listen for His voice from time to time, we might just have a chance at mending that rift we each have to deal with. Notice the we... I include myself there because I struggle with this daily.

been busy

It has been a busy, productive, and interesting week. I've been down in Raleigh for work, but have also had a chance to get out and visit with some friends and family. I don't really have a lot of time at the moment, as I am trying to get some work done before I head off to the airport, but to whet your appetite I just need to share that I had a rather excellent and enlightening evening on Thursday.

I went to my co-worker Josh's kinship group meeting last night. They are part of a Vineyard community that meets on Thursday for discussion and fellowship. It was a lot less formal than a devotional or class, but the focus was always on our Christian walk through life no matter what the topic du jour happened to be. I enjoyed contributing, and from reactions and discussions I didn't stir up too much controversy. I also benefitted from seeing some truly spirit-led discussions that were also scripturally grounded. I have more to say, but I have to run. More to come...

elusive courage and the hidden desires

Ever have one of those days where something gets you really fired up to the point where you are practically jumping out of your skin to act or respond, but then never actually do anything about it? I seem to have a lot of those days lately. Sometimes I wonder if deep down it is a lack of courage to speak my mind or act on the faith that I am kindling, or if perhaps it is just a deeply hidden desire for recognition or even conflict.

For example, in some church communities that I have visited or been a member of, I have sometimes heard things said (directly and indirectly) that I do not believe exhibit a Christ-like attitude. The worst part is that occasionally I hear later on that this happens frequently, but many feel too intimidated to speak up or interact during discussions because opposing views or even slight variations are severely frowned upon by the person leading. I am a big fan of discussion, I consider it like a debate but without the winner/loser mentality, and when that give-and-take, open-minded aspect is removed it really irritates me. Scenarios like this just burn me up inside and I will feel compelled to speak out against it, to stand up for the little guy so to speak. Only, I never do speak out - oh sure, I might grumble and rant about it here or with a friend, but formally confront the situation, never. I think part of me holds back, as if it is not my place to intervene, and another part of me decides that I am just one person that not everyone would agree with. Perhaps yet another piece of me pipes in and adds, "who am I to push on people my take on Christ's mission and message? Besides, I'm not really all that good at speaking in front of crowds." It always seems that the courage to act escapes me, and the desire to act for change gets buried away deep inside me. Despite the depression it brings on, I somehow find it easier to walk away and deal with the regret than to step up and take a stand.

Despite the fact that in my head I see myself giving these great inspirational talks, always with plenty of group interaction because I personally don't like giving monologues, I never follow through. I never act on what my heart tells me is the right thing to do in that type of situation, thinking it is not my place to do so. Oddly enough, as I write this I get the feeling that I have heard some version of this situation before. Something about a teacher's group of students all walking away when things turned bad, thinking there was nothing they could do about it, desperately avoiding confrontation, and needing a little intervention to get them doing what they needed to be doing. I don't know, call me crazy, but it sounds familiar. Not that I would at all compare my struggles with those I am paraphrasing (poorly), but sometimes I wonder whether some of the rumbling in my mind is my calling to get out there and stop hiding. I may handle change well, but even for me some changes are too drastic for me to comprehend embracing... yet.

reflections of jazz

Well I said I would post more about Blue Like Jazz, so I guess I will do so now. At first I thought maybe I would rattle on about the impact and wondrous things that I learned about myself from reading the book, but then I realized that would be extremely long and arduous to post. So instead here are some questions that I asked me myself when I agreed with the book or when it shone a spotlight on something I avoided.

• Why do we teach our children warm and fuzzy versions of Bible stories when the subject matter and implications are not warm and fuzzy? Don't we owe it to ourselves and our children to not sugar coat the message? When did we start doing this and why?
  
• Even when we know "God will provide" and that "money isn't everything," why is it so hard for us to start giving money to the church or other charities?
• When our worship services sometimes have an air of insider language and a somewhat intimidating environment for new people, why do we continue to insist that people visit the church before we will truly engage with them?
• Why do we get in the way of Jesus, and when we realize we are doing just that why is it so hard to comes to terms with and apologize?
• Swearing, drinking, dancing. Prejudicial persecution, leveraging spirituality for political prestige, treating love like money (something to bestow or withhold). Why do is there so much focus on the first set, when the second set are so much more damaging to society in the bigger picture?
• When science, experience, and scripture all can point to the damage that loneliness can inflict on a person, why do we continue to surround ourselves with means to isolate ourselves? Why do have such an attraction to self-sufficiency when the only means to truly get there are by means of community?

There are probably at least dozen other thoughts I could come up with... but this is all for now. Next up, business trip and another book to go with me!