reflections on prayer - continued

So, I kind of left the last post feeling a little unfinished in my mind. I had a bit more to say about prayer itself, but felt the need to actually pray... which as you can read, I did. To some it may read as a very simple, direct, personal prayer, but to me it was much more moving. Everything I typed was a spur of the moment, verbatim, as-I-prayed-it thought - and yes, I did actually have to take a few moments to compose myself when I was done. However, going back to prayer in general, even the one I shared has a very important aspect to it - something I learned from a good friend. Prayer isn't about what we want; it's about what we need.

I promised myself I wouldn't do it; I wouldn't bring myself to blog about the whole Terri Shiavo situation. However, I feel it serves as a poignant, current events example that we can learn from. Through the news I heard about all the different religious groups praying for her to live, and praying for the government to intervene. I'm sure there were even those praying for her to pass on, since "that's what she would have wanted." Honestly, at this point no one can definitively say whether Terri was even cognitive enough to have wants or the ability to respond; for all we know everything she exhibited in the form of a response was merely involuntary reaction to environmental stimuli. I refuse to voice my opinion to whether I felt it was right or not to remove the feeding tube and let her pass on, because that is not what this post is about. I am talking about prayer, and the role is has in the life of a Christian. We, Christians, should not be praying for outcomes, because the outcomes we pray for are often jaded by our own human desires and understanding. If all the prayers were answered and Terri's feeding tube was reinserted, but she continued to live in a vegetative state for another 15 years, what purpose would that have served? Would her parents have been comforted any further by their daughter being in the hospital for another 15 years, with supposedly every doctor saying her condition was irreversible? On the other hand, if people were praying that she would be allowed to pass on, do you think your prayers were answered? Does praying for the death of a woman you know only through the news seem like the right thing to do? And because what you prayed for came to pass, does that make you right?

Yes, those are all heavily baited, rhetorical questions. Why? To show that praying for the outcome is selfish, it is asking God to intervene in something and give us what we want. What if what the Shiavo and Schindler families really needed in the end was closure? Could you hold yourself together for 15 years, knowing your child/spouse/sibling was probably never going to recover, but hoping against the odds everyday anyway? Prayer is personal, but it is also a means to and of spiritual healing. I know that a common prayer will come up, now that Terri has passed, and it will be a prayer for the compassionate, comforting, and healing presence of God to be with Terri's family as they cope with their loss and begin anew their lives. What reason do we have for not praying something like this from the beginning? Let the outcome play out, but pray instead for comfort and healing for the family. Terri's fate always was in God's hands, but still we could have prayed that through it all she feel the love of her family and the love of God (regardless of the medical prognosis of her cognitive abilities). Jesus said it best, "not my will, but yours be done." We cannot always know what is best for us, so why make that presumption in prayer? Sometimes we must endure hardship in order to grow and mature as people, and it is how we respond during the difficult times that shapes our character. That good friend of mine had an expression that he used in prayer: "Lord, may you touch them at the point of their need." Loosely translated and expounded - God knows us better than we know ourselves, so who better to know just what we need in our darkest hour. So next time you find yourself praying for someone, don't pray for God to jump in to save the day like some heroic quarterback for a losing team in the fourth quarter. Pray for the healing process to begin in the hearts of all those involved and affected, that all would experience the love and comfort of God. But if you feel the need to pray for what you would like to happen (because everyone likes a happy ending), recognize the possibility that it might not be in the cards - along the lines of "if it is possible, let x-y-z come to pass". Remember, sometimes tragedy can be the best tool for opening doors... after all, it did once before.

and when you pray

This morning started like most of my mornings: eat breakfast, watch the news, grab a cup of coffee, and head down to the office. I usually read up on world news, technology news, my daily comics and a few blogs while I drink my coffee before I get to work. Sometimes its a busy morning and I have to jump right into the fray while drinking my coffee, which makes for difficult coffee enjoyment. However, this morning was a little different - as I drank my coffee, a persistent thought crept into the forefront of my mind. In a moment of realization of the blatantly obvious, it dawned on me how ingrained coffee has become in many of our lives. It is part of a morning ritual, sometimes an after dinner indulgence, a quick pick me up on a cold or dreary day, it is an inescapable part of our lives (unless you drink tea of course, but same rules do apply).

So why is it that for some of us, coffee is a bigger part of our lives than prayer? I'll raise my hand, stand up and profess that I don't pray that often. I've gotten better recently, and I try to take time during communion and reflect on current events that are affecting friends, family, loved ones, and people in dire need (such as the people of southeast Asia). Sometimes I think part of the problem is that I don't feel that God needs or wants to hear me talk with him about the same things over and over. I'm certain He knows the concerns of my heart don't dissipate in a 24 hour period, such as the continued health and well-being of my friends and family. I'm sure he knows that if I pray to Him that the people affected by recent earthquakes and tsunami's will experience His love and grace through the actions and efforts of aid workers, that it is something that stays with me for months. I guess for me, these types of things that we often pray are a given, like the current events, neutral ground small talk topics we bring up in dinner conversations. I think Jesus knew this, his prayers were emotional and hit right at the heart of the matter - prayer is personal, it is a heart to heart talk with someone who's shoulder can support your weight and catch your tears. Jesus prayed about things that affected him on a personal level: asking for another way, asking for strength to do God's will. Even the Lord's Prayer has certain aspects of this, when taken in as a whole it is a prayer asking for the strength and willpower to do the work that God asks of us. Sure, it is good to still pray about the conversational things, if we didn't it would be like turning our backs on them. However, unlike the news, I just don't think it needs to be front page material for months on end. Would you pray with me?

Lord, you know the concerns of my heart and I trust that you will be there every step of the way helping and watching over those that I love and empathize with. I pray that wherever our journey takes us and no matter the outcomes, your comforting presence will be with us always to keep our spirits up and hope alive during the difficult times. I am in difficult times now; I feel your love inside and coming through friends and family, and it keeps me going. I can hear you calling me, and at times the parts I understand scare me because I know your will and what I must do... but I am afraid. Guide me and give me the strength, courage, and resources to do what I must, because I cannot do it alone.

Amen

Ahem *composes himself*... now, about that second cup of coffee....

more coffee shop talk

While surfing the blog-o-sphere today I happened upon the following...
We Can Talk At Starbucks

Just another example that furthers my belief that sitting down to talk over a cup of coffee can offer more spiritual insight and opportunity than any traditional form of worship or bible study. There just seems to be something inviting and comforting about the experience - maybe because the atmosphere levels the playing field? There is no teacher/student, clergy/layman, master/apprentice when you are having coffee - just friends, a few people having a conversation...

highlighting the elusive blindspot

We all have them, and very often we are all blissfully unaware that we have them - blindspots. Not necessarily the physical, vision-impairing kind, but philosophical, emotional, personal, or otherwise intangible blindspots in ourselves. Think of them as subconscious smudges that we place on our personal lens which we use to look at the world around us. We usually don't intend to put the blindspot there, but because of our personal experiences in life, they have a tendency to develop over time if we don't take the time to "clean our lenses" so to speak. Let me recount a recent example I experienced...

Claire and I attended 2 Easter services this past Sunday, a Catholic and a Church of Christ service. The Catholic mass was filled with the traditional Easter service aspects: choir, Eucharist, readings of the resurrection, and homily with a touch humor. The thrust of the message was that the resurrection is the pivotal belief of Christianity, the event that separates Christ and his followers from other religions and the foundation of faith. After this service ended we drove down the street and attended the Easter service at the Church of Christ. Oddly, the service followed a very Catholic model - reading with responsorial sections, room arranged with communion placed at a central table which was accompanied by a word for word Catholic Eucharist blessing, and the congregation praying the Lord's prayer in unison. I had nothing against the service, there are aspects of Catholic mass that I believe have value in bringing a more spiritual experience to worship. However, the sermon was what really got to us. The basic topic had a similar thread as the Catholic homily - without the resurrection Jesus could have been just a regular guy who was knowledgeable beyond his years. The problem is that the speaker started making broad statements that claimed that doctrines and ceremony and tradition had no importance, because the core of our faith was all that mattered. This is one of those kernel of truth situations... yes the core of our faith (Jesus was the Son of God who died and was resurrected in fulfillment of scripture, et al.) is of prime importance, but I do believe that some tradition and ceremony has its place. He also brushed aside the celebration of Lent, Good Friday, etc as essentially worthless in the long run and at one point called out some other Christian faiths as teaching false doctrines - which was the point Claire almost walked out and I would have followed her right out (after a brief public verbal exchange of course). However, we didn't leave; and in staying we witnessed the speaker showing his blindspot. He was raised in the Catholic faith, had converted to Church of Christ, and I later found out that he has recently been interested in the movement towards a more post-modern church experience. The problem is that he is missing some of the key points in post-modern/emergent which is that despite their differences, each incarnation of Christianity brings something valuable to the table. It was clear from his tone that he was highly prejudicial against Catholicism, essentially turning his back on his up-bringing, and at the same time leading a service that was firmly rooted in the traditions of a Catholic mass. I have been known to do the same in the past, due to certain kinds of churches having left a bad taste in my mouth, but now I know that I have done it and try to avoid it by keeping an open mind. I spoke to someone about the message the speaker was sending, intentional or not, in the hopes that this blindspot can be highlighted and recognized by the speaker.

Blindspots like these can be harmful, because they have the unintended effect of turning people away from what should otherwise be a positive message. The church that we attended should be commended though because they are helping themselves and the speaker by learning from each other and providing feedback to this relatively new speaker. He is still getting his feet wet in church leadership, but has been exposing them to other styles of worship by bringing in aspects of other denominations and challenging them to stretch their comfort zone in new ways. The problem is that the growth of the church will continue to be severely limited when his personal views on other Christian denominations are brought out in sermons. I try not to be a 3 strikes kind of guy, but considering everytime I go to this church I hear something that just rubs me the wrong way, I wonder why I keep going back. Plus to complicate matters, it offends Claire and that hurts me since I want her to enjoy worship, or at least not feel like she is being attacked - something which never happens to me when I go to Catholic mass with her. I suppose I keep going back because of the hope that the next time he'll have had that epiphany and turned a corner in his ministry... well and the fact that I grew up in that church so I have a special place in my heart for it.

living the new life

If I had someplace to speak on Easter Sunday, I had an interesting topic pop into my head this morning. While in the shower I started thinking about what the various sermons and services would look like on Sunday, and for the most part the image was one of solemn remembrance of the death and resurrection of Jesus. There would be singing of traditional hymns like Up From the Grave He Arose, and some thoughtful prayer and reflection about the sacrifice he made for all humanity, and perhaps some parallel symbolism brought up about the significance of the sacrifice (ransom, substitution, etc). While that is all well and good, with our emerging trend towards faith in action in the community and moving Christianity beyond the walls of the church's building, shouldn't we be touting a different message?

While Jesus' victory over death is symbolic of the transformation that we as Christians must make. He knew that doing God's work on Earth wouldn't be easy and that the price was steep, yet he did it anyway. Often, we know what we are supposed to be doing as Christians, but we are afraid or are not comfortable doing it... so we back away from it. But think about it for a minute, in your life haven't the hardest, most challenging events been the most influential and rewarding experiences? While not all end on a high note, haven't you learned something valuable from every difficult encounter in life? God came down to Earth as Jesus, and showed us a better way of life. He ultimately was killed by those He was trying to save, but overcame death and showed us that even that is not to be feared because He holds power over death. Placing your trust and love in God is a recognition that with Him, anything can be accomplished. He can transform you, give you strength, and help you to cope with tough times. Being a true Christian is a difficult task, don't let anyone tell you otherwise, and it is how we respond during the darkest times that shows our true character. Trust in God and he will bring you back up out of the darkness to a higher place than you have ever been, you just need to trust in Him and be attentive to the gentle nudges that He gives you. Jesus was doing God's work, but he didn't want to die... would you blame him for desperately asking for a different way to be found, for someone else to be up to the task? Think about it - God can raise his own son from the dead after he was killed while doing what he was asked, wouldn't He help even the least of us while we strive to walk the new life that Jesus showed us?

We celebrate Easter in the Spring, at this season of rejuvenation and amidst the emerging new life that it brings (well, usually... apparently Easter this year brings new snow). It also marks the end of the Lenten season, when many spend time reflecting on their lives as Christians. Why end at Easter, instead make Easter a launching point. Shouldn't Easter, the celebration of new life, mark for us a renewed commitment to live that new life everyday? Gather your talents and wits about you, this Easter we look at the world around us with renewed vigor and purpose... a compassionate and loving community looking for those who are in need.

video game morality

In the recent past I decided to try out the game Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic, which was the highly acclaimed RPG video game of 2004. At first I figured it would be like many other video games that I have played, which would eventually lead to my loss of interest before I got very far. This time however, I was wrong... what an addictive game! Solving puzzles, interacting with other characters, making decisions that affect your characters alignment towards the light side or dark side. Every decision and interaction you have during the quests changes slightly the way you relate to the other members of your band of heroes. How you act as an individual to solve problems can alter the fate of entire populations... it's a game that hinges on all the personal choices you make for your character.

I decided that I would play through the game trying to follow the light side. Every opportunity I got I chose to help others that were in need or less fortunate, and I never thought of asking for a reward even if my character was running low on cash. It may have been just a game, but it was fun and felt good to have the respect and thanks of total strangers in the game because of my choice to be so selfless and generous. I ended up beating the game, with the help of a few online guides to help me through the tough spots, and my character beat back the forces of evil and aided countless individuals and many civilizations.

However, since the game's ending and interactions can change depending on whether you choose to follow the light side or dark side, I decided that I should play the game choosing the dark side so I could see what happens... I still haven't finished the game! It's been almost 3 months, and its not because the game got harder... I don't enjoy the game quite as much. It almost pains me to choose the dark side options, to think that I could ever choose such cruelty or lack of compassion is just appalling. It's not exactly a moral compass, but it does makes you think. The choices you can make in the game range from pure evil to completely selfless and good, with self-centered, indifferent, and casually helpful all smattered in there. I still play from time to time, and I mindlessly check the guide for the choices I should make to become the all-powerful dark lord that becomes bent on galactic conquest... but I am not as engaged in the game as I was the first time since the choices are not the ones I would make. From time to time I keep thinking to myself, just this once I could help these people, eventually I'll get back to the dark side stuff. Trying to play the role of a power-hungry, greedy, egotistical person just doesn't sit well with me... good thing it's a game.

It may be just a game, but it does spell a few things out clearly. Strip away the cultural context of the here and now, and get down and dirty with the fundamental struggles with good and evil. It strips away the comfortable, known environment that you are used to and faces you with situations you will never exactly be in. Sure, you may never come across an alien being verbally and physically abused by human teens... but you might come across a minority (Arab, Asian, etc) being harassed by some racially prejudiced people - would you walk away, join in, or come to the aid of the person being harassed?

Star Wars may be a fictional universe... but the games and movies illustrate how the actions and decisions of a few can vastly impact the lives and attitudes of the world around them.

churches helping churches

Hopefully my work load will be slowing down a little bit in the next week, and maybe I'll have a bit more time to think about some new areas to explore for the blog. In the meantime, I think this latest entry over at Paul and Scot's blog is really interesting. Really hit the nail on the head with a concrete example of how different churches should be treating each other - respectful, helpful, in general working together despite any differences they might have.

Giving to the Body of Christ

christianity in the On Demand era - part 2

When IBM first launched into their OnDemand marketing, the focus was on the realization that the ever increasing speed of e-business and e-commerce required a fundamental shift in the way we needed to run a business. The latest batch of commercials have focused on various implementations of this type of business model, all under the guise of the Help Desk. The basic goal of the Help Desk is to bring people and ideas together to solve problems that cannot be solved by one person alone. Sounds like a pretty good concept, right?

In one scenario we are introduced to grid computing and how when your personal computer is not in use, the spare computing power can be utilized by researchers working on anything from medical cures to environmental concerns. While a seemingly simple idea, the concept has far greater reaching impact. Taking the computing aspects out of the picture, the basic context boils down to donating your excess to help the greater good. You are not sacrificing your livelihood, and you are not being judged about your decision to purchase a $4000 machine for checking email or tracking finances. You are using what you have and what you can achieve with your means to make a combined personal impact on a global scale. A non-computing example would not be that far removed from what many of us might practice in the US on Arbor Day: planting trees. While some of us may only plant a couple of saplings in our own yard or neighborhood, there are also those who band together to refurbish empty lots or public parks with new trees and shrubs. The effect is the same, we are tending to God's creation and ensuring that its beauty will not be lost - though I believe that this type of environmental awareness should reach farther into the hearts of Christians and apply to a broader range of issues (i.e. animal displacement caused by urban creep).

Virtual learning is brought up in another scenario as a means to ensure education is available to all who seek it. Essentially, this implies that we can use new technology to reach new places. As many of us have, I think that it is our duty as Christians to be early-adopters or beta-testers, people who get in on the ground floor of new technology. We need to know what is happening in our world and understand the impact new technology will have on cultures, societies, global communications, and our civilization as a whole. Being a technical guy, I see the Internet and the wide range of virtual technologies as a largely untapped tool when it comes to Christianity. Sure there a few forums, blogs, online portals, and news sites, but a still more focused form of online outreach must exist. People search the Internet for all sorts of things, including Christianity... shouldn't they be finding more than a cut and paste of the Nicene Creed and a corporate-like mission statement? I am somewhat overly critical here, because there are a few places that I have visited online that do have the right idea (Emergent Cohorts for one, is using the Internet to raise awareness of local Christian learning/discussion groups). However, for the most part navigating the Internet in a quest for spiritual guidance or other faith building resources is a long, tedious, and scattered process (I know).

One of my favorite commercials features a guy who rushes the Help Desk with plans for a hydrogen-fueled car who's only emission is clean water, only its just an idea and he needs help implementing it. Here the Help Desk is helping ideas become reality, as the guy turns around and finds the car built after the agent rattles off a list of resources that will be needed. Sometimes I think we get caught up in the idea that we can do anything on our own as long as we apply ourselves. I am guilty of that myself, but there are times when I recognize I can't do it on my own and I think that should always be kept in the back of our minds. Sometimes new ideas come from the most unlikely places, which usually leads to an initial dismissal by those who would be able to implement it (partly due to pride). As a community of faith, I think it is our duty to always be open to new ideas. We should be ready to bring our skills into the mix to see if something is feasible, and help bring ideas into reality. In a vast over-generalization, the world has 2 kinds of people - thinkers and doers - sometimes we need to recognize and respect each other for our differences so that we can work together towards our common goals. Our world moves forward by means of new innovations, which are made possible by the collaboration of people with different backgrounds and skills... why shouldn't the church?

If something else strikes me as a particularly nice parallel between Christianity and the OnDemand philosophy, I might write a part 3. I really like the concept, it has a feel of something that would work. I truly do believe that a more flexible and innovative church can make a large impact in the world today; especially in this time when we truly do need more understanding and compassion in our global community. Want to help transform this idea into reality?

christianity in the On Demand era

If you want any amount of television, you've probably seen the IBM commercials that advocate their On Demand philosophy towards technology and IT services. The basic premise is that businesses need to be poised to take advantage of opportunities at a moment's notice, and often the traditional models for doing so are too slow and cumbersome to act quickly enough. In IBM's commercials the businesses overcome that obstacle by taking advantage of "On Demand" services that give them what they need right away - their needs demand it, and thus it is delivered instantly. That kind of mentality is quite prevalent in US society; when we want something, we want it as fast as possible. I mean look at the shipping business alone - I could order something online at 4:00pm Monday and have it in hand by 10:00am the next morning if I paid enough. No trips to local stores in the hopes that they carry it at all or if they do, that it is in stock. A few clicks of the mouse and it's taken care of. This sort of "on demand" thinking is also behind the move of many businesses to continue outsourcing more of their IT services to other companies better outfitted to handle them. Your business is not responsible for maintaining those skills, but if they are ever needed, an army of skilled people are just a phone call away.

I wonder if church could ever adapt to an "on demand" mode of operation. Just like computing slowly moved away from large centralized systems to more distributed environments or even new grid technologies, could Christianity move away from its current centralized brick and mortar fellowship? You may say, "But there are lots of small group studies at our church!" I would reply, then why does a large building who's primary purpose is Sunday morning preaching need to be used? Could not we move to a model where the building owned by a church is a multi-purpose environment suitable for reaching out to the local community? (Paul - this was a great discussion!) Could we not gather together at a local Starbucks, drink coffee, and discuss with our brethren? Couldn't communion be had a local Italian restaurant among friends as long as time was taken to remember and pray? Certainly regular worship service at the Christian community center (a.k.a the church's building) would continue to be a blessing as the community of believers would need to have time to gather as one. We could become the On Demand Christians, wherever one is needed, they'll be there. Whenever the local community has needs, the Church is ready to respond and offer its services. The building becomes a tool for outreach and integration with the community, open to all and available for any number of uses (some obvious restrictions would apply). Come to think of it, wasn't Jesus an "on demand" kind of guy. Not in the sense that you could demand he do something and have him do it. Rather, someone truly in need was never turned away, and he chastised his disciples when they tried to limit anyone's access. I'm ready to be an On Demand Christian, are you?

everyone loves a compliment

I like to consider myself a fairly humble person (yeah, very humble of me to say so right?), and because of this I often find that I struggle with how to respond to a compliment. Don't get me wrong, every good word that is given to me I truly appreciate, but I often feel that I need to respond in some way. A word of thanks or some other form of verbal acknowledgement, which sounds just about right except that most of what I would want to say feels like a cheap acknowledgement or like an attempt to affirm the compliment. For example, my manager has expressed to me over the past few months how much of an impact I have had, how great a job I am doing, and how many other people that we work with he has heard similar things from. Most of the time I respond with some variation of "I'm just doing my job" since that is usually how I feel about it. I love my job, the people I work with, and the freedom that I am given to get things done. I work hard and do what needs to be done, not for the accolades that come with it but because I want to see our team continue to succeed so I can continue to have the job that I love. Again, just because I might not feel that I am doing anything extraordinary, doesn't mean that I am not... I do have a somewhat limited perspective when it comes to appraising my own work and work ethic (don't we all). So I guess that is why when someone compliments me, I usually thank them and explain in some form or another that I do things from a basis of love. Love for my friends, for my family, for my job, for the environment... and of course love for God, because without his blessings I would not be anything special at all.

I used to think that I wanted my special legacy that I left behind one day to be that people would remember me because I brought them happiness. I don't think that way any more, well not exactly anyway. I like to be remembered as someone who brings joy; because to me joy implies something longer lasting than happiness. Joy is that lasting impact that brings a smile to someone's face when they see you after a long absence. Joy is knowing that no matter the circumstance, that person can always help you up and let in some sunshine. Joy comes from always showing and expressing to people the love you have for them, because you can never give away too much love - God gives it to us in unlimited supply. After all, like God said to Abraham (though not in these words)... you are blessed so that you may be a blessing to all those around you. And in that context, wouldn't you like to be able to respond to compliments with a hearty, I'm just doing my job!

didn't fall off the planet

Just a quick update to say that I didn't completely fall off the face of the planet. Work has picked up and my days are jam-packed for a least the next week. If something absolutely crucial that I feel I need to share crops up, I'll post. Otherwise, catch you next week.

encounters of a congregational kind

So yesterday we visited the United Congregational Church, as the Amazing Race would say - in this first leg of my journey. They are a group that is affiliated with the United Church of Christ, which has recently taken the initiative to re-work their public image in the face of a losing battle with declining membership (especially in the 20-35 age range). The church was on the smaller side, I would say their worship hall could hold maybe 200 people if they squeezed. My first impression as the service started was that worship was going to be more non-denominational styled but with some ceremony, I say this because the organist, choir, and pastor all wore robes (I know that's not the right terminology, oh well). There were announcements where anyone in the congregation could chime in from their seats, and then things started to diverge from my initial impressions. To start off the actual worship time, they started with a candle lighting and then we moved into a song and some group creed recitation. I started to feel like I needed 4 arms to really stay with the service as we flipped from song hymnal to bulletin, to bulletin inserts, to Scripture and back to hymnal. One aspect I found rather endearing, at least this time, prior to children leaving to go to Sunday school there was a Children's Message, kind of a mini-worship for the kids. All the small children went to the front and gathered for a lesson and collection, then went to classes while we all sang. I personally found the lesson given to the children could have been expounded upon and given to the rest of the congregation as an extension during service. However, instead we moved on to the rest of the adult worship. Strangely enough, the scripture readings were identical to what we had heard Saturday afternoon at the Catholic mass, and the sermon was pretty much on par with the Catholic homily. We couldn't decide if this was a regular thing, or just something that happens during Lent. While Claire enjoyed the more polished and orderly aspects, she and I both agreed that something like the Children's message while interesting, if repeated each week could become tiresome (imagine sitting through 10 minutes of kindergarten story time in the middle of service). On the other hand, I found the tightly defined structure of worship to be too predictable and manufactured. While there were a few moments of personality infused into the service, it felt forced and I find services to be much more inspiring and enjoyable when things are more personal or narrative. We will probably go back and visit again after Lent is over, so we can see whether or not the parallel worship topics is coincidence or not. While they did have a coffee hour after service, we opted not to stay since I wanted to mull things over a bit. On another line of thought, I did notice while we were there that they did seem to have an aging population - probably 80% or more were over 40. Yes, I do know that this is somewhat to be expected since the 20-35 group that we are in is the declining or missing population in many churches today.

I'll have to figure out which church to visit next, I am thinking about another UCC affiliated one, but this one also has what they call an Alternative Worship Experience (contemporary music, light supper, etc). However, they do not seem to offer that on an on-going basis, it seems to be more of a planned event. The other option I was thinking about is heading back to the church I first started visiting when we moved here. While I have what I consider irreconcilable differences with them, I keep getting this nagging feeling like I should go back one more time. Although that is hard to do when the people there that I talk to have a "we're right, they're wrong" attitude towards other denominations and questioning their interpretations of Scripture means you are wrong too. That kind of closed-minded self-righteousness just rubs me the wrong way, and I fear going back there can only lead to a very heated and public confrontation. Let's just say that for those who didn't know, I started an email conversation with the preacher expressing my desire to share my faith and lead a class or discussion group... and let's just say the conversation was twisted around into a conversion since my interpretation and ideas didn't mesh with his. I would have continued the conversation, but I would bring up new points which he would ignore, jump back to one thing that I wrote that had no bearing on the topics and use that as a launching point for a mini-lecture. *Sigh* Enough venting, need to back to work.

home is where the heart is

Some people may not agree, but finding a church home is a difficult and stressful experience. I've probably taken for granted that all those years ago when going to church everyday Sunday and Wednesday with my parents was so easy. Going to a church where you know everybody is easy because it always feels comfortable and you know what to expect.

I am once again beginning my search for a church home, a family of believers, people with whom I can fellowship. I read on a forum recently that someone thought the New England area was sparsely populated by churches, but looking around the places that I have been, I can't believe it. I think what they are referring to more specifically is the lack of certain kinds of churches. In my town alone there are something close to 30 established churches (granted it is technically a "city"). The numbers may not be up to date but they are close, we have: 2 Apostolic, 1 Assembly of God, 3 Baptist, 5 Catholic, 1 Christian, 1 Church of Christ, 3 Congregational (at least one is UCC), 2 Episcopal, 1 Foursquare, 2 Lutheran, 2 Methodist, 4 Non-denominational, 1 Pentecostal, and 1 Seventh-Day Adventist. Torrington is not that big of a city... though I understand it used to be an economic/industrial center for northwestern Connecticut. To the point, you would think that with so many churches it would be easy to find a church home. I've been to the Church of Christ, it's not bad but some of the leadership are overly conservative and literalistic - for the moment I've passed on them because of irreconcilable differences. I've also been to a couple of the Catholic churches with Claire, and while they are nice there isn't much fellowship amongst the people - Claire tells me that type of interaction only happens if you join a committee or volunteer group. This weekend we are planning on going to her church Saturday night and I am thinking Sunday morning we will check out the Congregational church up the street. That one happens to the be UCC affiliated one, which I have my concerns about, but since there is no "official" centralized doctrine or policy I am keeping an open mind. While I may have an open mind I tend to be a little reserved and protective when I visit someplace for the first time. I think a lot of that stems from my experiences in Oklahoma, not that I was openly persecuted or anything but I was usually odd-man-out when it came to my perspective. So such is my mindset when I go to a new church... and one reason I will leave you with this somewhat appropriate set of lyrics.

Not a night goes by, I don't dream of wandering through the home that might have been I listen to my pride, when my heart cried out for you Now everyday I wake again, in a house that might have been... a home Four walls, a roof, a door, some windows, just a place to run when my working day is through They say home is where the heart is, if the exception proves the rule I guess that's true
-- The Dixie Chicks "A Home"

And yes, I do listen to The Dixie Chicks... you got a problem with that?