elusive courage and the hidden desires

Ever have one of those days where something gets you really fired up to the point where you are practically jumping out of your skin to act or respond, but then never actually do anything about it? I seem to have a lot of those days lately. Sometimes I wonder if deep down it is a lack of courage to speak my mind or act on the faith that I am kindling, or if perhaps it is just a deeply hidden desire for recognition or even conflict.

For example, in some church communities that I have visited or been a member of, I have sometimes heard things said (directly and indirectly) that I do not believe exhibit a Christ-like attitude. The worst part is that occasionally I hear later on that this happens frequently, but many feel too intimidated to speak up or interact during discussions because opposing views or even slight variations are severely frowned upon by the person leading. I am a big fan of discussion, I consider it like a debate but without the winner/loser mentality, and when that give-and-take, open-minded aspect is removed it really irritates me. Scenarios like this just burn me up inside and I will feel compelled to speak out against it, to stand up for the little guy so to speak. Only, I never do speak out - oh sure, I might grumble and rant about it here or with a friend, but formally confront the situation, never. I think part of me holds back, as if it is not my place to intervene, and another part of me decides that I am just one person that not everyone would agree with. Perhaps yet another piece of me pipes in and adds, "who am I to push on people my take on Christ's mission and message? Besides, I'm not really all that good at speaking in front of crowds." It always seems that the courage to act escapes me, and the desire to act for change gets buried away deep inside me. Despite the depression it brings on, I somehow find it easier to walk away and deal with the regret than to step up and take a stand.

Despite the fact that in my head I see myself giving these great inspirational talks, always with plenty of group interaction because I personally don't like giving monologues, I never follow through. I never act on what my heart tells me is the right thing to do in that type of situation, thinking it is not my place to do so. Oddly enough, as I write this I get the feeling that I have heard some version of this situation before. Something about a teacher's group of students all walking away when things turned bad, thinking there was nothing they could do about it, desperately avoiding confrontation, and needing a little intervention to get them doing what they needed to be doing. I don't know, call me crazy, but it sounds familiar. Not that I would at all compare my struggles with those I am paraphrasing (poorly), but sometimes I wonder whether some of the rumbling in my mind is my calling to get out there and stop hiding. I may handle change well, but even for me some changes are too drastic for me to comprehend embracing... yet.