secrets of joy and despair

After what seemed like an interminably long wait (but I was probably more impatient than anything), I received my replacement copy of Brian McLaren's The Secret Message of Jesus. I debated about going back and re-reading the entire book, but I chose instead to back up one chapter to get back into the book. Since I am by no means a professional book reviewer, my review is simple. It is a great book that I would recommend to everyone who wants to get up close and personal with the message that Jesus shared with us. By up close and personal, I mean by examining all the aspects - historical, political, religious, etc - and then seeing how Jesus' teachings in scripture speak to us. As with many of McLaren's previous books, for me this was another page turner that I rarely wanted to put down (but often did so as not to shirk other duties and people). Since I don't read every book out there by Christian authors, and I rarely find myself interested in reading a lot of heavy theology and history, The Secret Message of Jesus offers a satisfying, simple, and short introduction to the meaning of the message and how powerful it truly was when Jesus first delivered it. I say this is an introduction, because quite aptly the final appendix chapter begins with a bit of what I felt when I finished reading the book.

"I hope this book has not satisfied your curiosity about the secret message of Jesus. Instead, I hope it has stoked the flame of your curiosity as never before. I hope, as a result, that you'll want to continue exploring the message and its meaning for your life and for our world."

In other words, this is not an answer book, though it does provide some suggestions for further growth and exploration. I guess this would be the mixed emotion portion for me, often as I read these books, they expose me to different ways that Jesus' message impacts our lives. From this I feel an inner joy and longing, which often leads to a bit of personal despair. The joy comes from knowing and reaffirming my belief in a better way and the God who loves us, but I despair at my feeling of disorientation and confusion -- perhaps best summed up as feeling a bit lost. My head swirls with possibilities, callings, ideas, revelations, connections, desires, and a heavy dose of doubt. Could it be that I am being called to speak, teach, and shepherd? I doubt it; who do I think I am, why should they listen, and to whom would I speak to anyway? There is certainly more to me than blogging, since my ideas span far and wide, but who would be willing to follow them or take a chance on them besides me? Where is the place for someone who is tired of being taught the same thing year after year, but not in a position to teach even if they were not hesitant to do so? Certainly, I could continue to be a one man think-tank, with a limited audience to which his words are broadcast. I could for months on end continue to produce writings that might inspire people, provide food for thought, nourish the spirit, perhaps entertain or merely be tolerated. But what is the point? There is little community in that, there is no advancement of Jesus' revolutionary message, there is barely any living of the revolutionary message in that. I do appreciate those of you who read, and hearing that something I wrote helped someone makes it worthwhile, but isn't there - shouldn't there - be something more?

I stand in a clearing, with a note in my hand. I have been invited to a celebration thrown by the most loving, generous, and gracious host of all, I need only follow the path laid before me to get there -- in fact the invitation has informed me that "the more the merrier". Only there are many paths in front of me, each one different, and I am frozen in place by my inability to find my way. A few have passed me in their comings and goings; they have shared wonderful stories of the celebration and they have offered words of encouragement and advice. But their path is not necessarily my path, so there I stand pondering my situation. There is nothing left to do it seems, but step onto a path and pray I keep my footing along the way...

I have read the message, I have heard the message, but can I live it??

[Note: much of this is a meandering, rhetorical question - a public yet personal prayer if you will.]